Just need to write a post.Anything to get started I'm dealing with writers block and I hate it. Not just the blog, but all writing. I've always been a decent writer, but I haven't written professionally. I post overly long status updates on Facebook and/or with my Instagram photos. Most are funny- either exaggerated accounts of my cat's activities, making fun of myself when I get upset or sad or pissed off or weird stuff- you know, the heavy subjects like growing out a pixie haircut or freaks at the grocery. Sometimes it's better than sitting and wallowing because I miss my parents or my cat Lulu (my cat for 18 years).
Anyway, I haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt like being funny. I kind of feel like I've never been fun or had fun. I know from all my past ups and downs that this is just the depression talking. The strange part is that I am not sad, down, or angry. I'm not numb, either. Just ho-fucking-hum. I've been isolating- just don't feel like really getting out or interacting with others. It scares me because my mother was like this awhile before she went into the hospital the last time. Also, from the time Mom died, I made a point to get out- I went to my 12 step meetings*, went to a grief group, and kept my job until it got to a point where my dad needed more help. (He passed away 4 years ago, a little over a year after Mom.) So much happened, and I am having a hard time believing the whole shit show began 5 years ago. I changed, and I am really okay with the ways I've changed. So much happened, not just with Mom and Dad, but with everyone. Some changes were good (my brother and I became closer and still are, two old friends- one from childhood, one from high school- wound up being the most supportive of friends), and some sucked. I lost a lot of friends, most of them by choice. My tolerance for being treated like shit disappeared. I experienced ummm....disappointments (I'm being nice here, okay?) with more family members than I ever would have expected. I still was out doing stuff, until I wasn't. I am more comfortable isolating, but I don't want to keep on. I worry that I'll become agoraphobic and then be totally trapped. It's the opposite of who I am. I think. I hope.
*Yeah, yeah, okay. I have been clean and sober for 22 years. I do attend twelve-step meetings, work the steps, all that. The whole concept of the twelve steps and recovery is anonymity. So I will mention my own 12 step stuff as it comes up, but this is not a 12 step blog. I will not mention others that I know through meetings, etc, unless it is in a very general way. No names. and it might bore some people not in recovery. So this a huge part of my life, and naturally it will come up in posts (if I actually end up posting anything other than this). I will respect others anonymity. But I'm not going to hide my own recovery related issues. No apologies.
